Monday, August 1, 2011

Roadtrip to Redneck land

Our journey began Friday evening at precisely 6:30 p.m. The crew consisted of Captain Morgan, With Sir Michael at the wheel. We set out on our mission to conquer a distant land. We traveled 3 hours as the modern day crow flies, traipsing across vast wastelands. nearly 10:00 we arrived at our destination: The middle of nowhere, often times referred to as Redneck Land, aka Vernal, Utah. A sad strange little town or city (I'm not quite sure). A land where every bumper is littered with phrases like "I heart drilling" and all drivers are required at stoplights to say "Oil, Hell Yeah!".  We were greeted by our gracious auntie Merri. Sir Michael and I chatted it up with her for a while before heading off to bed. I drew the short stick and ended up in the haunted room. Now you are probably quite curious about this haunted room, so I will now proceeed to tell you all about it. At first glance it Twould seem that this was just and ordinary boring old room. But upon second observation, you would realize the strange carvings on the walls. Peculiar designs and the occasional pentagram. Keep looking around and you would be unfortunate enough to realize "umm, that spot there isn't red paint!" oh yes, blood spots on the walls. "Surely this must have been the bedroom of the Axe wielding homicidal maniac (previous owner)". Next I thought, "well you can't see blood spots in the dark so I may as well turn in. But you see, that's where the terrors really began. One flip of the switch revealed many things that can not be unseen. Glow in the dark paint in strange patterns and shapes covered the ceiling and walls. You have no idea the fear I felt.  Once under the covers, I began to hear strange noises, unexplainable noises. Fortunately I live my life thinking "well if it's my time to go, It's my time to go". So I didn't worry all too much and soon fell asleep. The next morning we spent jumping on the trampoline with our three little cousins. Then the lot of us shipped off to go see Uncle Joseph's demolition derby cars (the ultimate reason we had set out on this venture). The next thing I knew, I was behind the wheel of an old V.W. Bug painted to look like Herbie. Quite exciting. My first experience with manual transmissions. Though there was one brakes! The only method of stopping was the emergency brake. After that adventure we headed on over to the Rec Center for some swimming. They took our money and set us free. Sir Michael and I quickly came to the realization we were at least twice the age of everyone else...including the lifeguards. It was a happenin place though for the middle of nowhere, water slides, diving boards, the whole lot. After becoming nice and pruney we set off for home and then the derby. Now that's where the scariness really began. Redneck land proved it's namesake instantly. Round 5,000 of them, everywhere! But I must say, even among rednecks, there are some elegant women. The excitement was great, Who knew crashing cars into each other could be so entertaining? Little Herbie made us proud, and the crowd truly loved him. The lot of us returned home (with much haste) to escape the rednecks. I slipped off to bed, this time without turning on the lights, so as not to encourage any demonic drawings. Awoke to head off to church. I had forgotten to pack and sunday clothes, so I went in me red pants and a grey shirt. Got some looks for that, but I've worn crazier things to church such as: A long blond wig with sunglasses and a womens pink turtle neck sweater (but that's a different story). After Church we went to the lot where the fierce derby cars were parked and showed the children. They cried to see Herbie in such a bad state. A few hours later after eating and hanging out, Sir Michael and I set off for home. We had had enough. A large enough dose of rednecks to last us a life time. We made good time, after we finally got passed all the trucks hauling hay. 2.5 hours through rain and wasteland. anyways, that was my weekend.

No comments:

Post a Comment