Thursday, October 27, 2011

Manic Depression

well I don't know how to start this. so let's just jump right in. I have a severe case of senioritis. A term which here means: I absolutely can't stand being a senior. Hate it. I have no hopes or dreams for the future. Recently I have lost nearly all interest in everything. I find no excitement or satisfaction in the things I once loved. So what am I supposed to do now?! Also recently I have lost almost all of my appetite. have to force myself to eat. Sleep is fading too. I can't seem to sleep well at all lately, which is something I have never had a problem with. I think I may be dying. if so, hopefully 'Ol Mr. Reaper visits me sooner than later. I've been super depressed lately too, and I'm not entirely sure why. I feel sick. but not flu sick, more like a disgusted sick. to quote one of my favorite songs "I can't see much difference between the dark and the light". speaking of which, the entire self titled Violent femmes album seems to describe my life pretty well. For example: And I think I may also be slightly bi polar. but who knows. This is going to be a hard winter. At this point I have very little or no hope for anything and everything. I feel like a one hit wonder band from the 80' one cares about me any more. which I know is not true, but that's what it feels like.

I just want to find happiness.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Stop That Train I'm Leavin

Used up. Burned out. Life. I'm tired of it. I just don't want to go on anymore. I see no point to it. Though I'm not suicidal. But heck, not that even matters in my case, cause truth be told I'd probably just randomly slit my wrist or something cause I was bored. And I know I could do it without even thinking twice. The more I think about it, the less I see what the point of going on. What am I living for? honestly I have no idea. not very psyched about the future. I used to look forward to marriage and all that. But my hope in love has dwindled.But where did I go wrong? I used to be so happy and excited about everything...then last year came around and killed it. Though it's gotten slightly better this year. One of my biggest problems currently is that I don't know what I love to do. Or rather, there is nothing I love to do. Many things I enjoy doing, but I wouldn't say love. The whole Idea of going to college, growing up and working for the rest of my life, then getting old, isn't appealing to me. Even thinking about just doing fun stuff for the rest of my life instead of all that, doesn't sound entertaining. Also I feel like I've turned in to a Jekyll/Hyde case. And every time I try to do what's right it seems like it all goes wrong. Which then leads to thinking "why should I even bother trying to do what's right?" from there I think "I know doing what's right will be best though. result in true happiness". then I attempt doing what's right and the whole cycle starts over again. Used up. Burned out.

I need a vacation.

Monday, October 17, 2011


I realize that after the last few blog posts, you guys probably all think I'm completely crazy. Heck, I probably am. Anyways, I'm in a thought collecting mood. so here are some of mine: 

  • what am I going to do with my life?
  • what are you going to do with yours?
  • I need to master an Instrument!
  • the term is almost over...wahooo! I've been waiting for this quite some time now. Cause it means that I'm only going to have 3 maybe 4 classes now. Which in turn means I can get a bunch of painting done. Have a few ideas that are driving me crazy right now.
  • The new Tom Waits album is pretty good. So far not my favorite, but music typically grows on me over time.
  • I wrote a poem the other day, loosely based off/inspired by a painting I did. It's for make up credit in Poetry/Art Fusion class. It was a strange experience. I just sat down to write, with a general idea in my  head and all this stuff spilled out. It's a pretty depressing poem about death. The real strange part about it though is that I was like channeling the energy of someone else. Typically if I write poetry it's about self experiences. Though nothing included in this poem has happened to me. It's a pretty nice one. I'm proud of it, still have no idea where it came from though. Ask nicely and maybe I'll read it to you sometime.
  • I need to get back to reading all those classical books I purchased.
  • I need to hang out with more people.
  • Apparently I'm pretty good at impersonating people. Specifically vocally. Sometimes I can do a pretty good Tom Waits, or Jim Morrison, or Ringo Starr. But I can also do Oscar from Hey Arnold. and every random once in a while, I can do a good job at mimicking a few of my friends. But mostly I have to be in certain moods to do that stuff.
  • love is a battlefield (oh wait, I really really hate that song)
  • I should try writing a song or two. but I don't really know what to write about.
  • I think it might have been a year ago from today that I shaved my head.
  • Need to figure out how to kidnap all my friends (you guys) off to college with me. It will be way sad without you.
  • Numba 9 is a boy
  • I was picking apples from my grandparents tree today and a few tried to fall down and kill me. 
  • My dad just bought a VW Synchro. He's going to go pick it up tomorrow in Vernal.
  • Think I'll do pretty good on my Calculus test this Wednesday.
  • looking forward to spending the weekend at the cabin. It'll be nice to get away and relax. Hopefully get some reading and writing done.
  • hey psst, you, yes you, I love you!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Thursdee Adventures

This last thursday, I had the pleasure of taking a lovely young lady on a date. I don't know how I tricked her into that. but I'm going to briefly summarize how I asked her (cause I think it's a fun story). So a few weeks ago I decided I was going to ask Genevieve on a date. I then proceeded to find a large brown envelope and in it I put a random story that I had written over the summer. Somewhere in the middle of the book, I asked her if she'd go on a date with me. Then at 3:00 a.m. I drove to her house and dropped the package off on the porch. Drove home, went back to bed, woke up four hours later and jumped on a plane to California. Skip ahead to thursday. Picked her up at 5. then we went Mini golfing. It was alright, mostly just fun to hang out with her...I'd forgotten how boring mini golf really is. But oh well. From there we decided to go to a park and kill some time before our next activity. So we played on the swing set and talked about life: past, present, and future. From there we left and drove around a few more minutes before arriving at the Asplund's house. Lara (one of our teachers) had invited us to an experimental music show she and her husband were hosting. It was supper cool. This guy way a percussionist playing all kinds of crazy things. He used violin bows on his cymbals and stuff like that. Really fascinating. After that was over, I took her home. Thus ending my second official date (yes yes, I know I'm a slacker. guess I haven't caught the dating bug yet). It was good  times in my book. Just a nice casual friend date. But the story does not end there! 

As I was nearly home, I ran the second red light in my life. I gauged it wrong and should have stopped, but it turned red right before I was in the intersection. "oh crap I thought, that was pretty darn red" Bet you can't guess where this is going. few seconds later there was a copper on my tail. "oh no!" I thought. So I pulled over. First there is one thing you need to understand: cops don't scare me at all. I know tons of people that turn off the road and such when they even see a cop. But I really could care less about them at all. Just not something I worry about. Also, I'm a super super careful driver. Rarely ever speed or anything. So this was kind of a fluke incident. Anyways, as I was pulled over, I legitimately was sitting in my car laughing. I thought it was funny. not like "oh this really sucks my parents are going to kill me kind of funny" but a "this is honestly funny." Anyways, the cop came over with his nice big handle bar mustache, took my I.D. (that looks nothing like me cause I have no hair anymore) and registration. Blah Blah Blah. anyways, I got a ticket and went home still laughing and told my parents. They didn't really care, but were surprised I had actually run a light. It's weird, but I feel like there is a special reason why I got a ticket. Destiny or something. Who knows, maybe I'll meet my future wife at traffic school or some other crazy thing. Anyways, I have to wait five days then go to the court building to pay the fine or figure out traffic school. I'll more than likely do the second, so I can get it erased from my record. 

Yeah, quite an exciting day. good times.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Polar Opposites

So yesterday (friday) night I went to Salt Lake to see a band called OFF! They're a hardcore punk band from California. Super great. Their singer is none other than Keith Morris. (a previous singer of Black Flag, and the founder of the Circle Jerks). Randomly last year he decided to pull together a band and record some stuff. and now they're touring. So of course I had to go see them! It was the second smallest concert I've ever been to, aside from local ones. probably no more than 60 people there, and 15 of those were from the other opening bands. anyways, keith walked on stage all calm like, set up his mike and taped down the set list. then they started playing. He completely changed into a different person. Dancing around, veins bulging on his neck. He was possessed or something. it was great! best part is, he's probably almost 50 years old. still just as hard core as ever. I was right up in front of the stage. the guitarist was so close I could have reached out and played his guitar for him. In fact, he nearly kicked me in the face a few times. twice during the show he was so close and head banging, that his hair actually hit me. and let me tell you, he does not have long hair! doesn't quite go down to his lips. Anyways, they played every song they've written as OFF! with a few pauses in between where Keith talked about random things.  They played roughly 45 minutes tops and the show was over. But get this, after the show was done, they walked off stage and we cheered for an encore. So finally they came back on and Keith started telling a story. "back in the early days, when my band was starting to get a bigger following, people would cheer for an encore. But we didn't really know what to play. We had written like 4 more songs recently, but we weren't good enough to play them yet. So we'd just start the set all over again." just then, they busted back into the first song they played that night. and they played the first three songs of the show over again. It was so great! I'd never even heard of that! Here's a taste of their music:

After the show, my dad went over and bought their cd titled "The first 4 EP's" and that's what it is, a collection of their EP's. we listened to it. There are 16 songs on the cd and the whole thing can't be longer than 10 minutes.

Now it's story time. Back in my junior high days, I was often referred to as "the Hippie punk" cause well, I love all that 60's music as well as hardcore punk. My two favorite genres are Hardcore punk and 60's Jam bands. polar opposites. Punk is just so great! I grew up on that stuff (as well as the 60's stuff). I'd personally love to be in a punk band. It seems so fun! Punk typically gets a bad rap as being simple "anyone can do it" music to play. and some of it is, but that's generally not true. Punk musicians are super talented. I mean to be able to play things that fast is ridiculous. I've learned a few Minor Threat bass lines and they are relatively simple, but not when you have to play them to speed! It's funny cause most people these days just think I'm a hippie...little do they know.
Also I think it's super funny that in under a week, I went from seeing the Grateful Dead to seeing OFF!  I mean there were only like 3 songs the dead played that were shorter than 9 minutes. one song of theirs is as long as 16 of OFF!'s.

Man I love music

Thursday, October 6, 2011


It is now time to tell you of my latest adventure(It's kind of a long one, but it provides great insight into my life, maybe even the most important post on this whole blog). Which involves much music. For you see Furthur is essentially the Grateful Dead. It's the rhythm guitarist Bob Weir, and the Bassist Phil Lesh with a group of very talented musicians playing pretty much only Grateful Dead tunes.  But that could be a whole story itself.  

So it all started out in May. when I heard Furthur was going to be touring. We bought our tickets early and then I had to sit around all summer waiting for the day to come. and it came! the first show we saw was in Salt Lake Wednesday 9/28/11. So my father and I traveled up there with our good hippie buddy Larry Harper and his girlfriend Megan. We were planning on meeting Brad at the show (he was driving down from Pocatello). So we got into the show and they started pretty much right on time. I was completely blown away at how good they were sounding. It was so crazy! they played tons of old stuff that the Grateful Dead hadn't played in like 25 years! not to mention they played the entire Terrapin Suite! It was a phenomenal show (here's the Set List if you're interested). After the show we walked around Shakedown Street (the name of a dead song, but also what we call the gathering place where everyone is selling shirts, jewelry, veggie burritos, drugs and such). I decided I wanted to buy a T-shirt for every show we saw. Then it was off for home. got there about 2:00 a.m.

The next morning I decided to wake up at 6 and go to seminary. then it was back home and off to Colorado to see Furthur play 3 more shows. We traveled pretty much the whole day (Brad, My dad, and I). We stopped in Silt Colorado to spend the night at my aunt and uncles house. The next morning (friday) we woke up and drove to Morrison, Colorado which is just outside of Denver, and is the home to Red Rocks Amphitheater. A truly remarkable place. It's a natural amphitheater, with a red rock wall behind the stage and up both sides of the venue as well. It's considered to be one of the most beautiful concert venues in the world. We had traveled there a few years earlier to see Mr. Bob Dylan. Anyways, we got there to find that all the camping sites in the area were either closed or full. so we back tracked to a town called Central City. Here's some pictures of it.
 Basically it was an old mining town up in the mountains. It's a really neat/strange place. you feel like you are in a western movie with all the old buildings. All of them are pretty much casinos though. which is probably how the place has survived. Anyways, we then headed back over to Red Rocks for our dinner reservation at their lovely restaurant. after which we proceeded to our seats for the concert. And what a show it was...again. They were just as great. And of course they played all kinds of crazy stuff again. But different stuff. Cause that's the thing about the Grateful Dead, they don't play the same songs very often cause they don't need to. They have so
many songs it's not even funny. and when they do play the same song, it's different cause they're a jam band. That's a reason they have such a devout following, cause it's so diverse and you never know what you're going to get. anyways here is a picture of us that first night.
and this blog is being very uncooperative with picture placement. anyways, The show was 3 hours long (cause that's how long they always play). here's the Set List for that.

The next day we woke up, headed over to Johnny Z's, one of the casinos for breakfast. said you had to be 21 to enter...good thing for facial hair. I just walked right in. after breakfast we headed up into the mountains just outside of town to the cemetery. which turned out to be cemeteries. there were at least 4 different ones. tons of old graves mostly around the 1800's, tucked back in the golden aspen trees. After we went walking around the town a little. Then it was back to Red Rocks for another great show. I went on the quest for more shirts and was successful. What an amazing show that was too! get your Set List here. 

Sunday morning we had to run Brad to the Denver airport so he could attend his mothers funeral the next morning. She passed away the morning of the salt lake show. Which is really good timing, cause seeing the Dead can help you get through anything, but I'll talk about that more in a minute. After we dropped him off, Dad and I headed to the Denver Museum of Art. I'd been there a few years earlier on a school trip and wanted to return. Sadly it wasn't as good as I had remembered it. but we had nothing better to do anyways. I bet you'll never guess what we did next....headed back to Red Rocks for the last show that we'd be seeing on their tour. It was a little earlier than the other two shows. And it wasn't sold out like the last two. Right before the show we were down at Shakedown street looking for more shirts and this guy was selling a Calvin and Hobbes Standing on the Moon shirt. So I bought it. and My dad was saying "now that you've got that, they're totally going to play Standing on the Moon tonight". Which is such an amazingly beautiful song. I love it. and what do you know, they played it! it was an amazing show. nother  Set List . also here's a picture of us that night. they pulled out all the stops. every song they played was just sooooo good. 
 I was left completely speechless.

 That night we drove back to my Aunts house. Monday morning we got up and headed for home. Listened to the Salt Lake show over and over the whole ride back. That's one of the cool things about the Dead, you can buy the show you just attended a few minutes after its over. Sadly I only bought that one then, but I have all of the others now.

Now for the wrap up. There is no way to describe a Grateful Dead concert. It is a super spiritual experience. this is my personal experience to the best I can attempt and explain. When they play, my soul is overfilled with joy. Literally bursting. Pure concentrated happiness. And the whole place is lifted to a different planet, you don't have a care in the world aside from the beautiful music that's happening. Your mind becomes clear and all the terrible things that have ever happened completely vanish. Yet it's also a time of reflection, tend to think about all the things you want to change and do better at. Don't ask me how you have mental clarity and reflection at the same time, cause I have completely no idea how it happens, just that it does. I'm a witness of it. You'd have to glue your feet to the ground to keep from dancing and it's literally impossible not to smile. one of my favorite things to do is look around and see all the happy dancing people. I feel more at home at a Grateful Dead concert than anywhere else I have ever ever been(including my home). It's truly feels like the heavens are opened, you want to be the very best person you can be. I have not been to a single show of theirs where I haven't cried during a few songs because it's so spiritual and moving (especially the Sunday night show, cried the whole way through Standing on the Moon and a few others). I can't do it any justice. In fact no words can. It's not just me either. all the other dead heads I have conversed with have said similar things. And no I do not partake of any drugs or alcohol at such events. Sure I've been offered all kinds of stuff like weed, acid, cocaine, Molly (pure ecstasy), Nitros balloons. But you just pleasantly refuse them. man, I love that community so much! everyone is there for the same reason, to have a great time and be uplifted. It's just fun to be around so many colorfully dressed people that are all radiating the same joy as you. Quite a few characters around too. After the shows, everyone congregates around Shakedown Street where people are selling all kinds of stuff, trinkets, patches, food, shirts, and other stuff. Just trying to get money to travel to the next show. Yes, there are people that have followed the Grateful Dead their whole lives. and that's another thing, the diversity of the crowd is awesome! old people, middle aged, teens, and small children. Nerds, jocks, geeks, business men, hippies, everyone you can think of. and no one is frowned upon. everyone is embraced by the community with open arms. often times literally. You always get hugs from complete strangers. So much love! It's just super chill. I mean you can go pee by the side of the road and no one cares (yes I have done that many times). Even just listening to their music at home makes me want to be a better person. I've found that the days I listen to the Grateful Dead in the morning end up being so much better than when I don't. 

Changes my whole outlook and mood for the day. I've also found it extremely helpful for doing homework. I can focus so much better while listening to them and not get stressed out. Which is super great for right now since I'm making up the mounds and mounds of homework I've missed this month from adventures. They've been such an influence in my life. You see, the Grateful Dead aren't just a band, they're a way of life, a higher quality of living. In fact, without them, I may not even be alive and certainly not the person I am today. But that's a different story(ask me sometime and maybe I'll tell you it) At this point, I'm sure you're all running to your phones to have me committed to an asylum, thinking "this guy is crazy! there's no way what he's talking about is true!". All I have to say is: you need to experience it for yourself. and maybe it won't have the same affect for you, but what have you got to lose? (but I do have to warn you, you'll probably end up wanting to listen to nothing but the Grateful Dead for a while afterwards, cause no other music reaches the magic affect I've been talking about). 
It's certainly changed my life for the better.