Sunday, December 16, 2012

No Wisdom In These Teeth

    A head full of Lortab. Dazed. Confused. Altogether discombobulated. A nice evening stroll about the park was all I had intended. But fate, or maybe some cruel mishap had found me here. I turned to look at my arm. "Oh! Hello there, what is this linked in my arm...another arm?” I leaned over to studiously examine this foreign member. Was it responsible for bringing me here? Was I being held against my will? After a moment more of studying, I concluded that the arm in question meant me no harm, that it was placed there rather carefully, lovingly. Slowly I began to trace the arm back to its roots. "Oh, I daresay this is not at all what I was expecting to find, you are not a murderer, but rather a pleasant girl". She smiled at my remark. "Are you sure you're okay? Should I take you home?” she questioned. "No, no, I'm perfectly alright, just give me a moment to gather my surroundings", I retorted. Surely the pure Scottish grit running through my blood vessels could see me through this. Wait a minute, my mother was adopted...hmmm. Well, I suppose the Germans were a pretty tough crew too.
    I began to peer around cautiously. Enormous cement walls encompassed us. Some sort of hospital? No, too loud for that. A sea of blue swept through the doors. Suddenly, images of cougars danced across my eyes. BYU. Homecoming dance. Before I could formulate any plans, any possible escape routes, her friend Miz Adelaide came waltzing over to us. We said our hellos and nice to meet yous, or at least I think we did. Hard to say.
     Then the stairs. Finally, the gate. "Give them $3 she instructed me", I thrust my hand into my pocket. After a year, I finally handed the money to the cashier, and received a stamp on my left dorsal. Stamps are expensive these days. Then we were turned loose. By this time, both girls were very skeptical of my condition, but we proceeded nonetheless. Creeping into the darkness of the room, drawing nearer to the noise. The temperature began to rise. “Look! It’s Waldo; I’ve found him!” I proclaimed. The girls stared at me in horror “we should never have brought him here!” their looks seemed to say. Then they turned to see that I was indeed correct. A sigh of relief seemed to emanate from Miz Adelaide’s and Miz Cristin’s bodies. I found myself being pulled to the center, dragged by some strange un-seeable source. Flashbacks from Star Wars now encompassed my mind.
    Music pounding, lights flashing, sweaty people everywhere. A rave without the ecstasy. A disco without bell-bottoms. My legs began to twitch. Then my arms. Next, the torso. I think this is what they call dancing. I was doing it. Cutting a rug with the children of Zion!
    After thirty days, or maybe thirty minutes, thirty seconds? The girls decided I needed to be removed from the premises. Starting to make sense of things, starting to come down, I wisely agreed to surrender.
    The door clicked shut. The women sped away, likely delighted to be free of their Lortab ridden captive. “Surely that was only a dream”, I thought as I sat up in bed the next morning. Only to find the letters B.Y.U. stamped across my left hand.