Sunday, November 14, 2010

Dark Times

dark times, yes, they happen to even me. when did it all start? now thats a question I can't truly answer. My best guess is the end of 7th grade. I'm not certain what caused it, but it was bad. now what on earth is he talking about you may ask? suicide. I wish I could remember why I was contemplating such a thing, but alas I can't. however the next year was worse. the winter of 8th grade is probably the peak of it all. At one point I was so sick of everything I went upstairs, grabbed a knife and held it to my chest. Inches away from my self inflicted death. I stood there for who knows how long, 10 minutes? 20? 30? finally I decided at that point I couldn't do it. I returned back to my room and listened to the Counting Crows album August and Everything After, probably 2 or 3 times. later that week I found myself standing there with another knife and yet again I couldn't go through with it. Time passed. from what I remember things got better (even though I don't know what caused such depression). 9th grade came and went. I was mostly fine for all that time. 10th grade came. I was doing good. then matters got a little worse. I was sick of school, sick of homework, sick of everything. I began reading Catcher in the Rye for english. I related to the book really well. and that scared me. but I do indeed love that book. it made me think alot about life, where I was going, what I was gonna do. mid fall of last year, I freaked out. went literally insane. almost did it again. but instead I ran away. grabbed my sleeping bag and went to an abandoned field near my home. layed there for a few hours. then a bunch of creepy hobos came passed and I decided to go home.

this year. It was early. probably September. Girl trouble. but before that, Dallas, Shannen and I hung out at the mall. honestly, I hate malls. we met up and were trying to find Jessi. we all started freaking out about how pissed she was going to be since we couldn't find her. It was weird. but we spoke of suicide. how we were each going to do it. it was a bad time. roughly a month later dallas, ethan and I were at my house and horrible truths were told. Things that should never ever be heard by any human being! (they weren't about us) we were all in a bad state. and that is as far as I'm going to go on that topic. and after that is when the girl problem truly started. and that whole thing was really stupid. but basically I almost lost a good friend from it. one day, I went home and made a playlist called "The End" of all the songs I would listen to before ever killing myself. It still exists, in fact I'm listening to it at the very moment. currently things are pretty good. all that previous stuff has been worked out. but do know this....if I ever decide to do it. It will be a really unique/crazy/awesome way of going. so if you turn on the news someday and hear a loon committing a crazy suicide, just remember the good times we've had. and honor my funeral requests (previously listed somewhere on my blog)

to quote Social Distortion "It's Heaven and Hell here, which one will I live today?"