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A
head full of Lortab. Dazed. Confused. Altogether discombobulated. A nice
evening stroll about the park was all I had intended. But fate, or maybe some
cruel mishap had found me here. I turned to look at my arm. "Oh! Hello
there, what is this linked in my arm...another arm?” I leaned over to
studiously examine this foreign member. Was it responsible for bringing me
here? Was I being held against my will? After a moment more of studying, I
concluded that the arm in question meant me no harm, that it was placed there
rather carefully, lovingly. Slowly I began to trace the arm back to its roots.
"Oh, I daresay this is not at all what I was expecting to find, you are
not a murderer, but rather a pleasant girl". She smiled at my remark.
"Are you sure you're okay? Should I take you home?” she questioned.
"No, no, I'm perfectly alright, just give me a moment to gather my
surroundings", I retorted. Surely the pure Scottish grit running through
my blood vessels could see me through this. Wait a minute, my mother was
adopted...hmmm. Well, I suppose the Germans were a pretty tough crew too.
I
began to peer around cautiously. Enormous cement walls encompassed us. Some
sort of hospital? No, too loud for that. A sea of blue swept through the doors.
Suddenly, images of cougars danced across my eyes. BYU. Homecoming dance.
Before I could formulate any plans, any possible escape routes, her friend Miz
Adelaide came waltzing over to us. We said our hellos and nice to meet yous,
or at least I think we did. Hard to say.
Then the stairs. Finally, the gate. "Give them $3 she instructed
me", I thrust my hand into my pocket. After a year, I finally handed the
money to the cashier, and received a stamp on my left dorsal. Stamps are
expensive these days. Then we were turned loose. By this time, both girls were
very skeptical of my condition, but we proceeded nonetheless. Creeping into the
darkness of the room, drawing nearer to the noise. The temperature began to
rise. “Look! It’s Waldo; I’ve found him!” I proclaimed. The girls stared at me
in horror “we should never have brought him here!” their looks seemed to say.
Then they turned to see that I was indeed correct. A sigh of relief seemed to
emanate from Miz Adelaide’s and Miz Cristin’s bodies. I found myself being
pulled to the center, dragged by some strange un-seeable source. Flashbacks
from Star Wars now encompassed my mind.
Music pounding, lights flashing, sweaty people everywhere. A rave
without the ecstasy. A disco without bell-bottoms. My legs began to twitch. Then
my arms. Next, the torso. I think this is what they call dancing. I was doing
it. Cutting a rug with the children of Zion!
After thirty days, or maybe thirty minutes, thirty seconds? The girls
decided I needed to be removed from the premises. Starting to make sense of
things, starting to come down, I wisely agreed to surrender.
The door clicked shut. The women sped away, likely delighted to be free
of their Lortab ridden captive. “Surely that was only a dream”, I thought as I
sat up in bed the next morning. Only to find the letters B.Y.U. stamped across
my left hand.
