greetings

why do we have to greet people? hiking around the middle of no where, you come upon someone else, why do we say hello? how did that become the thing to do? I personally don't like to say hello in situations like that, but then you seem rude. another thing is goodbyes. "see you later" we both know we'll never see eachother ever again, we barely just met, so we aren't friends. but See ya later! saying "have a good night" is always weird to me especially if its to a couple. am I implying they should go get it on? or what? its just weird to me that we have to say things like this.

a Bottle of Stirred Insanity Spiked with a Hint of Fear

recently I stumbled upon the question "what have I been doing my whole life?" unfortunately I haven't yet stumbled upon an answer. Certainly I've done many fun/crazy/exciting things. What career should I pursue? what will the world be like in 10 years? How many of my current friends will I still talk to? hopefully all or at least most of them! Sitting in church today I realized I don't know these people, even though I've gone to the same ward my whole life. And Quite frankly I don't really care. I really don't have anything in common with these people, besides where we live and attend church. Sitting here even now, I just came to the discoverey that I don't have much in common with most my relatives either. extended relatives that is, aunts, uncles, cousins. Specifically on my moms side. Other than some person ages ago deciding there was a group of people called a family, and that we all have to get together and hang out, I would never spend time with these people. Not saying I'm ungrateful to have them, just that we have nothing besides history in common.

Spaghetti with a side of Hamburgers, served by Ian

this actually has nothing watsoever to do with spaghetti, hamburgers, and little to do with a man named Ian. yet it has everything to do with my love life...or rather lack of it. who do I like? well that is an excellent question. a question that I can't currently answer for I myself don't know. Its certainly hard at Walden, cause most relationships there don't last very long (although there sure are some exceptions). another problem is if you have a bad breakup...you can't really avoid that person. As well as a personal issue for me is: all the gals cool enough to hook up with, I don't want to ruin my relationship with them in any way. Its odd because there are often times girls that like me, but it never seems to work out. Such as me liking them, then someone else and when I start liking that other person, the girl I previously liked all of a sudden likes me...but by then its usually too late. there have been a few times where it worked out, for a while, but we don't talk about that. Truly I don't care If I ever get married. It would be nice to? but I'm sure fine with being single and dong my thing. what drives me crazy though are those girls that flirt with you and don't actually like you. Mostly I've given up on the whole "Love" thing for the time being. which means that probably tomorrow some girl will walk past and I'll be thrown into this mess again

anti- antisocial?

I've always been antisocial in a sense. typically I would rather be on my own. I'm easily entertained and can't stand drama. I don't hang out with people super often. But somehow amidst all that, I make friends really easy. Hardly have any enemies, get along with almost everyone. Its always been really strange to me how that all happens! I'm the kind of guy who could go off and live alone for the rest of my life somewhere in the mountains. so somehow I'm somewhat antisocial, yet I have tons of friends. I'll probably never know why I'm like this

Dark Times

dark times, yes, they happen to even me. when did it all start? now thats a question I can't truly answer. My best guess is the end of 7th grade. I'm not certain what caused it, but it was bad. now what on earth is he talking about you may ask? suicide. I wish I could remember why I was contemplating such a thing, but alas I can't. however the next year was worse. the winter of 8th grade is probably the peak of it all. At one point I was so sick of everything I went upstairs, grabbed a knife and held it to my chest. Inches away from my self inflicted death. I stood there for who knows how long, 10 minutes? 20? 30? finally I decided at that point I couldn't do it. I returned back to my room and listened to the Counting Crows album August and Everything After, probably 2 or 3 times. later that week I found myself standing there with another knife and yet again I couldn't go through with it. Time passed. from what I remember things got better (even though I don't know what caused such depression). 9th grade came and went. I was mostly fine for all that time. 10th grade came. I was doing good. then matters got a little worse. I was sick of school, sick of homework, sick of everything. I began reading Catcher in the Rye for english. I related to the book really well. and that scared me. but I do indeed love that book. it made me think alot about life, where I was going, what I was gonna do. mid fall of last year, I freaked out. went literally insane. almost did it again. but instead I ran away. grabbed my sleeping bag and went to an abandoned field near my home. layed there for a few hours. then a bunch of creepy hobos came passed and I decided to go home.

this year. It was early. probably September. Girl trouble. but before that, Dallas, Shannen and I hung out at the mall. honestly, I hate malls. we met up and were trying to find Jessi. we all started freaking out about how pissed she was going to be since we couldn't find her. It was weird. but we spoke of suicide. how we were each going to do it. it was a bad time. roughly a month later dallas, ethan and I were at my house and horrible truths were told. Things that should never ever be heard by any human being! (they weren't about us) we were all in a bad state. and that is as far as I'm going to go on that topic. and after that is when the girl problem truly started. and that whole thing was really stupid. but basically I almost lost a good friend from it. one day, I went home and made a playlist called "The End" of all the songs I would listen to before ever killing myself. It still exists, in fact I'm listening to it at the very moment. currently things are pretty good. all that previous stuff has been worked out. but do know this....if I ever decide to do it. It will be a really unique/crazy/awesome way of going. so if you turn on the news someday and hear a loon committing a crazy suicide, just remember the good times we've had. and honor my funeral requests (previously listed somewhere on my blog)

to quote Social Distortion "It's Heaven and Hell here, which one will I live today?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8eDUT7iyDk

driving

I have recently found great joy in driving home different ways. Rather than going down boring ol' 9th east like I usually do. I just start out driving in the general direction, having no idea where I actually am going. Sometimes I get to a place and have no idea where on earth I have ended up. But I just keep going and eventually make it home. It makes the ride much more enjoyable, exciting and strangely relaxing. so there you have it

Interruptions

I really hate being interrupted! like sitting here trying to do my homework and someone comes and tells me i need to do something. and usually they could have already done that task in the amount of time it took to come and get me! I mean if i'm in the zone, leave me be! Cause stuff like that just pisses me off! when I start to do something I don't leave it til I'm finished! so I've decided I'm going to move to the alps of Austria or Switzerland, live in a small quiet village. A village where you walk down the street everyday to buy fresh bread and food from the market. In the afternoon I'd roam around the snow capped peaks and crystal blue lakes. I then would return to my collection of musical instruments at my home and spend the remainder of the night expirementing, learning, creating. yep, that would be the life. no one to interrupt me, no rules to follow...just me being me.

Standards

Verse 1:

Keep your edges straight, and sharp!
Don’t let any substances tear, your life apart!
Say no to drugs, sex and alcohol!
Don’t let yourself get backed up, against that wall!
If you are offered something, just say no way!
You’ll look back and thank, yourself someday!

Chorus:

Keep your guard up don’t ever let it down!
Or you’ll end up on a path, that you, can’t turn around!

Verse 2:

Smokin’ and drinkin’ may seem so very fun!
But you won’t think that when you, when you die young!
You don’t need these things to have, a good time!
Don’t waste your life away, your in your prime!

So keep your edges straight, and sharp!
Don’t let any substances tear, your life apart!

this is a straight edge punk song i wrote today...too bad i don't have a punk band! I need to change that!

some Poetry from the past few months

What have I done?

How did I manage to alienate myself from all that I care about?

What have I done?

To make you so sad

What have I done?

That’s caused you to be so angry with me

What have I done?

I’ve gone and ruined our friendship.

Can You forgive me?

Standing on the edge.

I peer over the side, it’s a long way to the bottom.

I stand there pondering.

Is this the end?

Is this the road to my final destination?

Slowly I begin to shuffle forward.

It feels like years until my toes are hovering over the edge.

I pause.

Then suddenly I run!

I run far away from the cliff.

Today is not my day.

I need to get away from this place!

I need to run away…

To escape the drama,

To escape the people,

To escape the pain.

I need to dissolve into a realm of

Shimmering lakes,

Mossy forests

And snow capped peaks,

Never to return

yeah these are all based on experience